.Wishful Thinking.

going astray

i've always been the one to say things like ohh alcohol and cigarettes and drugs are bad.....but last week something snapped in me and i had both of those things in ample quantity(smoking was a first for me) ..was it rebellion,hatred,a let out for my pent up anger??? or just experimentation with an unhappy,unsatisfied,boring life..who knows???what i do know is it wasn't right for me and let me tell you if nik hadn't made me swear on him that would never try smoking again i would have definitely tried it again and again..addiction is scary..the mere thought of it....and now i wonder am i the susceptable kind to drugs,booze and stuff.....slitting wrists holds no fascination anymore..done it too many times...sometimes for letting out the anger sometimes just to relish the pain or sometimes its just fascination for blood....i think i'm not the only one whose done all this...loads of unstable girls out there who do all such stuff..its just i don't like my fascination with the bad side.....at 17 i'm controllble but later when i have full freedom what then??sometimes i scare me