.Wishful Thinking.

criticism..something i made the other day

isn't it strange that even though i have 37 followers not one of them comment o.O strange yes strange

i open my eyes and see the world
its not the same as it was before
and not a trace of my past is there to see
the imprints on the fine sand washed away by the sea
the faint scent of roses reminds me of something i fail to recognize
and each whisper of the breeze fails to rekindle the memories
but i can't recognize who i am now
whats makes me the person who stands here today
i look down at my hands and fail to the scars that should mark my skin
i do not recognize the reflection in the water
the faintly familiar yet hollow tune mocks me
the gift has turned into my nightmare as far as i can see
i stand lonely on the rocky seashore
gripping my pale,cold arms unsure
where do i turn now??
where do i go??
i've lost everything
in asking for erasing the memories of before...

i'm walking along deserted streets
the lights flicker then start to fade
i stumble along the alleys
just trying to find my way
i feel my way along the darkness surrounding me
trying not to drown in the shadows trailing behind
i stumble backwards as fear overrides me
yet all i do is stumble and fall
i scream in the silence that seems to mock
i fight with the unseen attacks that try to tear at my soul
the inner demons devour me tonight
i wonder when i'll be able to end this fight
i move along frantically trying to clutch
that one ray of hope that'll drown out the pain and the agony
yet each time i come closer,it tantalizingly disappears before my eyes
until i beat my fists in despair
in this cold and lonely night
i give up my fights and silently await my fate
waiting for the footfalls of death
just when i thought its about to end
the lights switch on and i wakeup drenched in sweat
hugging the warmth...relishing the comforting arms surrounding me
and yet again i've escaped to the realm of reality

standing on edge of the sea
i look back and see you following me
holding out your hand and not trying to let me fall
pleading me to come back
pleading me to be back in your arms
but i move further away
wanting to break free yet stay
i look into your eyes
and see the pain
and wonder how do i explain??
the world made for you and me is about to end
each road taking to it is a dead end
you were someone special and you'll always be
but the love that was between is gone..can't you see??
don't clip my wings
let me fly free
don't hold so tight
that i can't breathe
don't plead second chances
it wasn't meant to be
i can't break you again
can't you see??
the treacherous sea could tear me apart
but the unexplored world beckons me..but i want to make new starts
and i know you will always be with me
my companion in happiness,my solace
you are still a part of me
but the days you want are long gone
nothing but sweet memories to remember them with
likes the roses pressed within my diaries pages
like the dark wintry beautiful nights
but they are gone all the same
so forgive me tonight
for wanting to break free from your shadow
and trying to make a new start
it did break my heart too
to tear you apart
but i knew i wasn't the one for you
an you weren't the one for me
our paths crossed as lovers but now as friends we'll always be...

theres a voice in my head
whispering to me
i try to drown it out
but it just doesn't let me be
it mocks at my mistakes
and makes me stumble and fall
and when i want to forget everything
it makes me remember my each pitfall
it makes me angry
it makes me cry
it feeds on my darkest secrets
and saps on my inner light
it looks out of the mirror
and tells me i'm no good
and if it could torture me
i'm sure it would
the cold voice
the stony eyes
the heart which doesn't know how to feel
as cold as ice
yet its a part of me
something i can't tear apart
and its the one which gives me inspiration to prove me
and make new starts...

blessed ignorance
why couldn't you see
the world was not
as you imagined it to be
not painted rainbows or summer skys
nor whistling meadows glittering in the sunlight
you tried to live your dream
alas! now you lie shattered
broken beyond repair
now nothing matters
the laughter has faded
the smile has died
all for that one attempt
at having a blissful life
living by a delusion
broken by the same
the glassworld i've been trapped under
has broken all the same
and happiness that i sought
forever lost in wind
taken flight never to come back again
or maybe this is another delusion seen by me
for a dreamer never ceases to dream
his wings to flight never lie clipped
today a broken bird...tomorrow
flying the clear sky..the bird with broken wing
even if its a dream of one night..
forever to be lost,never to be seen again in the sparkling moonlight

going astray

i've always been the one to say things like ohh alcohol and cigarettes and drugs are bad.....but last week something snapped in me and i had both of those things in ample quantity(smoking was a first for me) ..was it rebellion,hatred,a let out for my pent up anger??? or just experimentation with an unhappy,unsatisfied,boring life..who knows???what i do know is it wasn't right for me and let me tell you if nik hadn't made me swear on him that would never try smoking again i would have definitely tried it again and again..addiction is scary..the mere thought of it....and now i wonder am i the susceptable kind to drugs,booze and stuff.....slitting wrists holds no fascination anymore..done it too many times...sometimes for letting out the anger sometimes just to relish the pain or sometimes its just fascination for blood....i think i'm not the only one whose done all this...loads of unstable girls out there who do all such stuff..its just i don't like my fascination with the bad side.....at 17 i'm controllble but later when i have full freedom what then??sometimes i scare me

i'm not going coz my parents are not cutting off my net..but i won't be regular anymore =/
so well heres a comeback thing

we need new leaders but whose interested!


ok theres no doubt i am one of those people who feels that our country needs new,modern,more open-minded leaders but the point is --IS THERE ANYONE INTERESTED IN TAKING THE JOB!

because i know i am most definitely not ..why?? because i'd be fighting a losing battle..i'll go mad trying to sort out this mess called india besides i stand no chance in this dynastic politics..where do we end and where do we begin??its hopeless(it sounds bad but its the truth)....i mean look at our leaders..we need strong people not manmohan singh whose a puppet in the hands of sonia gandhi..our foreign affairs minister is well i have no words...is this how you handle boundary disputes with china??why can't we be more strong...i personally am fond of narendra modi even with his hindu inclinations and supposed involvement in riots..why??hes a strong character..hes taken gujarat to new heights and at this point..lets face it we need technological advancements more than ever..progress though is impossible with the"divide and rule policy" which our country follows..MARATHI MANAS is a piece of shitt... why??

i'd like to ask mr thackeray who made such an issue of the word "bombay " in WAKE UP SID!

your kid mr narrow minded buffoon goes to BOMBAY scottish..why not take her out of it and put her in some marathi medium school or better yet protest about the name and try changing it to MUMBAI SCOTTISH......

need i say more??

lately this blog of mine is being visited less..i guess people have started finding poetry boring OR they find my wackiness more interesting(the other blog seems more active somehow) well whatever the reason i'm here to say bye to all you guys for a couple of months(comeon please don't stop following me for that xD)

and yes i'll be back be sure of that ..till then its study and "no internet anymore" time cyaa people Tc

grey skies without a trace of sunlight
smoke filled dreary watery eyes
at each step theres a pitfall
yet he moves on

his determination far exceeds his strength
he wears the dirt and grime like a badge upon his torn shirt
facing death at every turn
hoodwinking it at every step
blood soaked clothes and wounds on every inch
friends long gone
yet he moves on

his eyes wary and watchful
his mouth set in a grim line
he wonders for how long he can defeat time
the sound of thunder fills the air
the footfalls grow louder and the shots ring out
deaths at his door without a doubt
he puts his gun on the ground
falls to his feet and embraces the earth
looks at the red cloth tied to his arms
promising his return
but a hundred eyes look at him now
without sympathy or sorrow for him
he wishes he could go back to the beginning
and as they tear him apart
the heavens bleed in his pain tonight
his fall,his final fight
if only the girl he loved knew
but there would be no one to say his final words
he'll die just like the thousands sled before him
his end is someone elses beginning..

theres something i've always wanted to say
something thats unheard by the night
can you hear the winds whispering your name?
can you feel my heart tonight?
the silence between us lengthens
and i can't look you in the eyes
we seem to be miles apart
even though we walk side by side
its one of those fairytale nights
with moonshine and stars to guide our way
yet it all goes unnoticed by me because i long for something i want you to say
i hear the words you are saying to me
yet i hear nothing atall
your eyes mesmerizing me into silence
your lips enchanting me against my will
to make me dream of you till i fall into the trap further still
i can think no more
and feel so much till i feel i can't take it anymore
my thoughts wander between my dreamland and reality
this is not i've thought how it would be
but if given a choice this would still be the place i would've wanted me to be

darkness surrounding me
answer this today
that if i die tonight
atleast you'll stay
or you'll be the traitor that you are
like the other before you
now bygone and far
you'll fade away too like your cousin light
will anyone call out my name
years after ive gone away
will someone put roses on my grave
before the old ones wither away
will someone cry for me when i go away tonight
will anyone love me even after i die
answer me tonight..answer me tonight

i'm standing right here
out in the pouring rain
right outside your door
burning in my pain
hot scalding tears unseen
pour down my cheeks
the rain drowns my tears and my silent screams
my mouth longs to say your name but i'm scared of the silence that follows
dreading the footfalls which may never come
petrified of seeing your face as you see me standing here
vulnerable,susceptible to any scrap of tenderness and care
i want the warmth of your arms in the cold comfort of the night
but i'm scared you'll just turn away ,pushing me aside
and i could beg at this moment to just be with you
yet i turn away from the closed door
walking away to embrace the rain again
looking at longing at the door ahead
retracing my steps back to the desperation that made me knock at your door
seeking the warmth of before
but its time i fight my own battles and become strong from within
from this time on i won't easily give in.....

i don't want to be right
i don't want to be wrong
all i want is to be me
just move along
i don't want to be famous
i don't want to be rich
but its necessary to be happy..thats the glitch
i don't want rainbows
i don't want summer skys
cloudy,rainy days make me smile
i don't want this and i don't want that
thats all very well to say in fantasies
but i'm greedy
i want each and everything
ill pick up the scraps of joy throw my way
weave them with love,tenderness and care
i'll always be the cynic
looking for a twist in every turn
trying to walk when i'm on the run
and i'll always be the wanderer,nomad
lost in the parched plains looked for that one tiny water drop
who sparkles in the burning sun illuminated by the miracle called hope...

i just wrote a short story ..random musings..i liked it atleast..xD..i wanted to share it heres the address

http://wordspaperpen.blogspot.com/

please do check it out i'd really like that =)

i believe that theres a reason for my existence
i believe the good is there is to stay
and the bad memories are like the waves that wash away
i believe that theres something made for me
something undiscovered yet thats my destiny
i believe in spreading sunshine
i believe nothing is impossible in this lifetime
and i believe that hope is what we live on
everything breaks without that one dream,wish we can fall upon
i believe in fairies,i believe in angels
they walk beside me everyday
looked upon as mortals that go unnoticed by people
they tread on the path they call their way
i believe in the power of a single smile
i believe that if we try we can made this world more beautiful..just you and i
and i believe theres a window that never closes even if the light seems to be fading away
that there will always be someone who'll listen to what i have to say
i believe that if i'm lost and theres no one by my side
one person will be there to hold my hand...with whom i can cry
the friend who'll let me just be who i am
and who tells me "don't give a damn"
the person who looks at me in the mirror each night
my one last friend in whose arms i can die....

notes to self

-->you are loved(even though u think you are not)
-->you are pretty(even though you think you are not)
-->you have to think positive (even though you tend to look for flaws in everything)
-->you are not alone(i don't think why you think so..you are always surrounded by people)
-->life is beautiful(even when it looks dull and gray)
-->dreams do come true(don't you forget nothing is impossible)
-->you are special the way you are(you don't need to be anything or anyone else)

and lastly

-->he exists(start believing in him coz hes here to stay--the voice in your head is him)

hardly any people comment these days*sigh but never mind that

i crossed the bridge
i swam through the sea
i crossed the forest
i fought the breeze
i waded through the shallow waters
and stepped on hot sands that made me wince in pain
all in the hope to discover myself again

i searched and searched
but failed to find
that one little thing
i could call mine
looking for the place i want to call home
to be somewhere i belong

all those crossed paths
all those tears shed
all those times i fell
and bled
thinking about that one hope made me move on
gave me the strength to just go on

i made my way through the winter of my life
autumn wasn't a season,it was me
wasted,parched thats who i was
thats what the world could see
yet i didn't listen i keep on looking ahead
the world thought me dead

i lost hope and then fell
to meet the fate that awaited me
thats when god spoke to me
brutality is a way of life
happiness doesn't come without strife
we each have a struggle,we each have a pain
while overcoming those obstacles never think about your gain
when the time is right
and your desire pure
you will get what you want for sure
the fruits of your labour are only then to reap
when you have planted the seed
those who give up never succeed
those who mourn never smile
and that is the simple and easy rule of this life...

a fistful of stardust
sparkling, tiny,miniature diamonds in front of eyes
nonexistent...fleeting,fanciful dreams that make up my life
trailing on the rainbows painted in the air by my side
or dancing on the sparkling stars that light up my summer days
wherever i am..they follow my way
the tangled silk of my sheets sparkle with them
the jumbled mess alight in their wake
the dusty floor shines like amber in the moonlight
all because of a fistful of stardust in my eyes

Don't let go of life

life is all about surprises and living it to the fullest don't miss out on it..seriously you'll regret it


don't be like the man who dedicated his whole life to something he didn't want to and then when he finally started doing what he wanted he had no life left

don't be like the kid who let opportunities go by and then regretted them later

don't be like the woman who always did everything right in front of the world just to please it..never did anything wrong but in the end could never please herself

don't be like the everyday human you fails to live life's happiest moments to the fullest due to the shadows of the past

we have one life..one small life to make mistakes,to achieve,to do something worthwhile,to live,to laugh,,to learn,to explore,to just be a person whose different from the rest of the world

your purpose in life is not to make sure that no one realizes you never existed..make a difference that doesn't mean you have to have fame..it means to TOUCH A LIFE

yes at the age of 16,17,18 we may think oh theres all the time in the world to do this or that...the thing is it may be an illusion...every second counts..make it count..don't live in the past or future..savor the moment....do what you really want coz when you die you shouldn't be able to go back in time in mind and say "i don't remember anything worthwhile i've done in this lifetime"

THIS SONG IS MY FAVORITE SONG..its called "she will be loved"--by MAROON 5

here are the lyrics

"She Will Be Loved"

Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else

I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore

It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls

Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful

I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved

[in the background]
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye

Yeah
[softly]
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain

Try so hard to say goodbye

you awaken the dreamer in me
you give me my wings of fantasy
the reason i never sleep
the subject of my wishful dreams
the one i sigh for on my pillow each night
the one who doesn't let me sleep peacefully each night
the voice i long to hear
the breath i long to feel on my cheeks
the taste i want to linger on my lips
you make me toss and turn on those nights
remembering the lost promises we made to each other on those very same passionate nights
the reason my side feels so empty
and the pillows feel less soft
the satin feels less sensuous
and my untamed fantasies just don't suffice
yes you make me long for you each night

the whole generation is going to the dogs..we don't think beyond the box..do people ever wonder why they are doing so and so-->i wonder that....and do they ever think that they were born in the world for a purpose and that purpose may not be getting into IIT..theres a life beyond books..ofcourse studies are important but why are you studying..if you study without knowing why are you studying aren't you completely lacking in brains..being an engineer will get you money and what else???why do we all HAVE To become something robotic..come to think of it doesn't the indian education system exactly aim for that??making us robotic i am..you sap the creativity out of us..10 years down the line when you are stuck in a 9-5 job paying you a 7 figure salary and you are wondering why aren't you still happy thats when you'll realise what have you missed out in life..sadly some people never realise the importance of following your heart or just "thinking" as i like to call it

there is a difference between hearing and listening
looking and seeing
knowing and thinking

the roses withered
their petals frayed
she touched the edges
their softness disappearing with the rough edges of time
she sighed
she felt the thorns
unheeded to the sharp pain that made her gasp
relishing the slippery red flow down her fingers
she smiled remembering the memories
then looked dismayed
frowning at the wilted mass in front of her
she tried to gather the fallen leaves
no they couldn't be put back to the stems
she looked at the frayed ends
they could be cut but never could they be returned
fallen petals strewn across the white linen
she had tried to salvage them
clinging them to her bosom
yet they withered even more
yes it was time to let go
she gathered the memories the wilted mess
hugging them to her chest
touching her lips to the coarse remnant softness one last time
her stray tear paying the last homage
it was time
time to move on make new beginnings
she knew,she just knew
dropping those remnants on the floor
treading past them not looking back
she had moved on
and though the sorrow cut her from within
the faint music unheard unnoticed seemed to say
the roses will bloom again some other day...

<--me before school at 4 in the morn(uhh i have an xam) and its my birthday.....happy birthday to me happy birthday to me xD

i'm 17
i have a bio xam today
and umm thats about it =P

i think it'll be a normal day..but m happy...i'm 17 u don't turn 17 everyday right???

right so if i have any more reasons to celebrate ill tell you

so heres a things to wish on my birthday

-->next year i have double the reasons to celebrate this day
-->i finally party on my birthday(i always have xams on the day)
-->i'm just plain happy (happier next time)
-->its just memorable

simple wishes for my 18th birthday ^__^

right now i'm content being 17

i'll never grow up-->physically yes..but i'll always be a kid at heart

do you look up at the sky and see what i see???
i see the birds passing by
i see me trapped in the chains of time
imagining myself free as they are
one chance is all i need
give me my flight to freedom
let me be what i want to be
i don't want to be a mere puppet
i don't want to follow the norms
yet i'm following the same path taken by all
can i have no choice??
can no one hear my voice??
caught in the rat race
i wish for once i could truly be what i want to be
follow my heart
take me where my dreams want me to to be
but alas!this ain't my dream its my reality
how many of us truly get what they want anyway?
theres no harm dreaming i guess
life is an eternal quest
and i'll take the same path taken by all
make it off beat and then smile and mock
all those who don't follow their heart
living is not just to breathe and move on
its life smiling,laughing,chasing rainbows are a part of it all
and i still continue moving on the path ahead
my eyes still alight with hopes,aspirations - delusional me
who thinks of making a world that would be different from what it used to be
do you see what i see???
theres a silver lining in the cloud..thats the reason i'm living
it will guide me to the place i want to be
my destiny...

desi...

i'm kind of irritated by people who pretend to like something just for the heck of it....some seem to think anything indian is well just tacky...well i disagree..ok no one can call me desi as such but hey i'm an indian at heart....mind you even though i speak alot of english i respect my language(though uhh i'm kind of bad at it-->never mind that i can speak it well enough haha)..about our music i'm in love with it..so??so what i cn't stand metallica or say ferris or whatever..i just don't ..i don't pretend to like it either =P..i appreciate music ..but i guess my tastes don't match the "cool factor" that much..right so maybe its old fashioned to like music in the mellow,soft undertones that calm you..hence my love for old english n hindi songs..but what bugs me the most is the attitude of those people who think gawwd you do this and that n bla bla(no no ones told me) its just you should be proud of your roots and culture(ok i'm expressing myself badly again xP)..ok so i dunn look particularly desi myself neither clothes nor tastes but hey i'm an indian at heart and i'm proud of being just that ^__^

he looked up at the path ahead
the uprooted trees,the broken steps
the clanging chimes of the temple echoe
the voices playing with the strings of his heart'
eerie,distant,they whisper something he knows fully well
they guide him to the path ahead
the swirling mists and the crowing of the crows
the shadows of his silent steps,
the abandoned land of the dead
parched plains never to bloom again
they symbolize his pain
his follies,the mistakes he could never make penance for in a thousand lives
the blood of a loved one stains his soul and mind
her eyes torture him every night
the chimes whisper her laughter of happy times
every imprint of his foot leads him closer to the moment he dreads
the reason he is living yet still dead
now standing here,on the edge of the stormy sea
he awaits atonement,he waits the time he'll be with her
but he knows he'll never have her again
anguished he asked for the strength to ease the pain
condemned to live as neither spirit nor man
he haunts the plains where it all began
and all he can make himself say
veronica died today....

the wind whispered in her ears
the night hummed the song of her soul
she sat alone under the dim lights of the streets
sitting forlorn,fighting the battles within
nothing to say,nothing to ponder
nowhere to go,nowhere to hide
she looked up at the moonlit sky then sighed
she traced the lines on her palm
feeling the lines of destiny that made her path
reflecting over the decisions that changed her life
she sat there while the world passed her by
the faces blurred,their steps echoing in the night
the world moved on yet she sat there
embracing the loneliness that clothed her naked soul
she asks herself the questions that plague her
where ?where did i go wrong?
was it the world?was it me?
was it just my destiny?
not a single reason to die
yet there's really nothing for which i should live
i have given my heart,my soul,theres nothing more to give
hollow,corrupted consumed from inside
yet is it only a part of me that has died?
she looked up ahead,seeing nothing atall
seeing everything the lost highways,the pitfalls
a mocking smile dotting her lips
a spark comes to her eyes
theres enough spirit left in her to fight her final fight
we have some unfinished business life and i
smiling and saying that she looked up at the sky
without another word she disappears into the night..

shubhz n me xD-->last years clip =P